Never An Absolution
by My Sharpie Is Green
Summary: A silent tear crept down his unshaven cheek, and he could see the look on her face in his mind’s eye. He could hear her last words, and he could hear their meaning... [ONESHOT]


**Disclaimer:** Why do I even bother typing this anymore? Oh yeah, because I don't want to get sued because I'm a broke high school student and NOT JK ROWLING… /cough/ I'm sane, really.

This fic doesn't have a specific 'ship', and it's also my first fic dealing with religion, so feedback appreciated. Keep in mind that this doesn't go in chronological order (it jumps back and forth in time), but you should be able to figure it out. STRONGLY influenced by the song "In The Sun" by Joseph Arthur.

**Never An Absolution**

**I. **They were sitting alone on the sprawling Hogwarts grounds, staring into the sparkling blue lake. The sound of her laughter rang in his ear; even the sun smiled down on them, and he knew that she had to feel it too. The fact she was enamored was sketched in every watt of her smile, every twinkle of her eye, every time she subconsciously bit her lip when he looked at her. Those were the good days—the days that he could be with her without spewing lies to his best friend in the world. He had cherished those moments when he lived them, but even more so in his memory. All he could think was that this must be the Heaven she always talked about.

**II. **When he walked into the dingy bedroom of his dark and desolate flat, he collapsed at the edge of his cot. He couldn't control the shakiness of his breathing or the trembling of his arms. He couldn't figure it out—how could she be so happy if he was so miserable? He clasped his hands together and rested his elbows on the bed feverishly. _She believes…maybe if I believe, I can be happy too…_

"Please… God, I—I've never done this before, and I don't quite know what to do," he thought, bouncing his knees a bit as he made his silent prayer. "Why is everything so wrong? Why does she love him, the man who's as good as a brother to me, and not me? I had her first, God. I've loved her longer, I've loved her **better.** I don't understand. Is it because I didn't believe? Because I believe now, God. She taught me to believe. Why did you have to make it like this? Why do I have to lose her or lose the closest thing I've ever had to a sibling? Please, just give me a sign…"

A silent tear crept down his unshaven cheek, and he could see the look on her face in his mind's eye. He could hear her last words, and he could hear their meaning:

May God's love be with you… 

**III. **She had taken on a studious expression when he asked about religion.

"Religion is…a belief system, and that belief system tells you how to behave. It tells you how you can absolve your sins. It tells you how you can be a good person. It tells you how you can be saved."

He had stared at her for a moment, trying to understand. Religion didn't normally come into play in wizard's lives. It was natural for him to be uncertain, to be curious. "What happens if you commit sin?" he asked.

"If you don't repent for it, you go to Hell."

"Do you go to Hell because God doesn't like you?"

"No—God loves everyone."

**IV.** She stared at his retreating back, wishing that he would look her in the eyes. She had never set out to hurt him… She had never tried to break his heart…

**V.** She looked at him with young eyes as she sat beside him in class. "We're partners, you know."

He nodded in response, as though she was a halfwit.

"Well, it's just that I think that maybe you should talk a little, that's all," she stated.

From that moment on, he always spoke to her.

**VI. **Of all the men to admire her in the world, why did it have to be him?

**VII. **He sat awake, wondering if she was dozing peacefully without a care in the world. She hadn't just had her heart crushed… For a moment, he wished that she would have nightmares as she slept, but immediately repented the sentiment. He could never wish that for her…

Even if he would never have suspected it, miles away she was staring up at the ceiling as well.

**VIII. **At the age of thirteen, he was skeptical about religion. He saw it as an outlet for people with nothing else to turn to—people unable to grasp the concept that maybe, just maybe, when you died it was over. That when you did something horrible you couldn't wash yourself of it. But the knowledge that she believed in it always shadowed his doubts, and he couldn't help but believe that maybe there was some truth in it after all…

**IX. **They were standing together in an empty street that was still slick with rainwater. "It's been nice seeing you—we haven't gotten to spend much time together since school ended."

"Yeah," he responded, but he didn't really hear her words. He was so nervous, but it was now or never…

"We'll have to do this again sometime. G'night."

"Wait—uh, I need to tell you something."

She looked up at him with curiosity and patience.

Take a deep breath… 

"I love you," he rushed, his words blending together. "I always have, always. I…I need you."

"You don't—"

"I do. I will always need you, because I will always love you."

She sighed and said his name as though it was a plea.

"I…" He broke off, however, because he could see in her eyes that it wasn't worth carrying on.

She looked up at him sadly. "I can't. I just…can't. I'm with him now. We're happy."

"Please…" he begged.

"God doesn't want me to stray from the person I love," she said, more firmly than before. "You're a good friend, but I can't be with you. I can't, and I won't."

He looked at the ground for a moment, biting his lip. "I understand," he whispered. He turned away and never saw the heartbroken look on her face.

**X. **She walked into the silent and empty church alone. She looked around her guilty, and then kneeled down, resting her head and praying, and began to ask God all the questions that had ever made her doubt His existence.

**XI. **The next time he saw her, he felt the familiar somersaults and the unfamiliar nervousness. She thwarted his plans to avoid her when she approached him, looking just as anxious as he did.

"So…how've you been?" she asked softly.

"Alright," he said with a gentle nod. "I joined a church. I…don't completely understand religion, but it helps me. It helps me cope…be alone." She looked down awkwardly. "Congratulations on the engagement, by the way. Funny how things work out, huh?" He smiled slightly.

"I suppose…"

"Right, well, I've got an appointment, so…see you later?"

She nodded, biting her lip slightly.

He pretended not to see her eyes glisten with tears as he turned and left her forever.

**XII. **He saw her in church once, with her new husband. She caught his eye and looked sadly at him, and he got the impression that she didn't understand the inner workings of God's plan anymore than he did. He didn't know if Heaven really existed, and he wasn't sure if he believed everything the Bible told him, but there was one thing he had figured out since the last time he had encountered her: why religion was such a popular thing. He had come to learn that even if no one else loved you, you were guaranteed the love of God…

Always 

**A/N: **Yeah, so…what'd you think? Also, what ship came to mind when you were reading? I wrote it with Remus/Lily in mind, but my friend saw Harry/Ginny in it, so I'm curious what other people thought…. PLEASE REVIEW, THEY ARE MY CRACK AND LIFE BLOOD! **:N/A**


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